Breakups. Ugh, the very word conjures images of tear-stained pillows, overflowing ice cream cartons, and that gut-wrenching ache that feels like it will never leave. But here’s the thing: breakups, as devastating as they feel, are a normal part of life. They’re a messy, emotional rollercoaster, but understanding the stages you’ll navigate can be a powerful tool for healing.

There are many models outlining the emotional journey of a breakup. While some propose seven or more stages, a widely recognized framework comes from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist who studied grief. This model outlines five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many experts have adapted this model to explain the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup, adding an additional stage: distraction. So, buckle up, and let’s explore the six stages of a breakup:

Stage 1: Denial (This Can’t Be Happening!)

The initial shock of a breakup can leave you numb. You might be in denial, refusing to believe it’s really over. You replay conversations, analyze texts, searching for signs you missed. This stage is your mind’s way of protecting itself from the overwhelming pain of the situation.

How to navigate denial:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Denial is a natural defense mechanism, but prolonged denial can hinder healing. Allow yourself to feel the shock, even if it’s uncomfortable.
• Talk it out: Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Talking through your emotions can help you process the reality of the breakup.
• Limit contact: While the urge to reach out might be strong, resist contacting your ex during this stage. It can prolong the denial phase and create false hope.

Stage 2: Distraction (Anything But This!)

As the initial shock wears off, the pain can become overwhelming. Enter distraction: the stage where you throw yourself into anything to avoid thinking about the breakup. This might involve working long hours, partying excessively, or binge-watching an entire season of your favorite show.

How to navigate distraction:

• Healthy distractions are okay: While burying yourself in work won’t solve the problem, engaging in activities you enjoy can boost your mood. Take up a new hobby, spend time with loved ones, or indulge in some self-care.
• Don’t numb the pain: Distraction shouldn’t replace processing your emotions. Schedule some time each day to reflect on your feelings, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
• Beware of destructive coping mechanisms: Avoid drowning your sorrows in substances or engaging in risky behaviors.

Stage 3: Anger (You’ll Regret This!)

The anger stage often hits when the reality of the breakup sinks in. You might be angry at your ex for their actions or words, or even angry at yourself for things you could have done differently. This anger can be a powerful motivator, but it’s important to channel it constructively.

How to navigate anger:

• Express your anger in a healthy way: Write in a journal, hit the gym, or scream into a pillow (just not at your ex’s house!).
• Avoid blaming yourself or your ex: Breakups are rarely one-sided. While it’s healthy to acknowledge mistakes, dwelling on blame keeps you stuck in the past.
• Consider forgiveness: Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning your ex’s actions or getting back together. It’s about letting go of the anger and resentment to move on.

Stage 4: Bargaining (Don’t We Make a Great Team?)

In the bargaining stage, you might find yourself making deals with a higher power or even your ex. You might promise to change certain things or replay past scenarios, desperate to undo the breakup.

How to navigate bargaining:

• Recognize the futility of bargaining: You can’t control the past or force things back together.
• Focus on what you can control: Focus on things you can change about yourself and how you’ll move forward.
• Practice self-compassion: Bargaining is a sign of your deep desire to fix the situation. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge the pain you’re experiencing.

Stage 5: Sadness (The World Feels Empty)

This stage is where the full weight of the breakup hits. You might experience intense sadness, loneliness, and grief. The future might feel uncertain, and you might miss the routines and memories shared with your ex. It’s okay to cry, feel lost, and miss your ex. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment.

Navigating Sadness:

• Embrace the Sadness: Don’t bottle up your emotions. Let yourself feel the sadness, even if it feels overwhelming. Crying is a natural way to release pent-up emotions.
• Seek Support: Spend time with loved ones who can offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people.
• Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and mental well-being. Eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, and engage in activities that bring you comfort. Take a long bath, read a good book, or spend time in nature.

Stage 6: Acceptance (Moving On)

Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re happy about the breakup or that you don’t miss your ex. It means accepting the reality of the situation and understanding that you will move on. You might still have moments of sadness, but the overwhelming pain will gradually lessen.

Navigating Acceptance:

• Forgive Yourself and Your Ex: Holding onto anger and resentment will only hinder your healing. Forgive yourself and your ex, even if it’s a slow process.
• Focus on the Future: Start to envision your life moving forward without your ex. What are your goals and dreams? This is a time for self-discovery and personal growth.
• Be Open to New Relationships: When you’re ready, open yourself up to the possibility of new love. Don’t rush into anything, but don’t close yourself off to new experiences.

The road to healing after a breakup is different for everyone. There’s no set timeline, and you might revisit some stages throughout the process. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to feel your emotions, and don’t be afraid to seek support. Remember, breakups are a part of life, and they don’t define you. With time and self-compassion, you will heal and emerge stronger on the other side.

  Get a closer look at the breakup stages and tips on how to get through them with the Soma Breakup Journal: