Breakups are hard enough, but when the relationship ends because of something you did, it can feel even more devastating. If you’re wondering how to heal from a breakup that was your fault, you’re not alone.

Many people struggle with feelings of guilt, regret, and self-blame after a breakup they caused. But healing is possible, and it starts with understanding the process and being kind to yourself.

In this post, we’ll explore practical steps to help you move forward emotionally and begin the healing journey.

Step 1: Own Your Mistakes

The first step in healing from a breakup that was your fault is to fully acknowledge your actions.

This isn’t about beating yourself up endlessly – self-flagellation doesn’t heal anyone – but you need to sit with the discomfort of your actions.

Why? Because denial is like an emotional anesthetic. It might dull the pain temporarily, but it also blocks growth.

Take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself:

• What exactly did I do that caused the breakup?
• Why did I act this way?
• Were my actions rooted in insecurity, fear, selfishness, or something else?

If you’re squirming in your seat right now, that’s good. Growth happens in discomfort.

Write these answers down in a journal (yes, a real journal – not just the Notes app on your phone). Seeing your thoughts on paper makes them real and forces you to confront them.

Psst. Our 90-day breakup workbook is perfect for this.

Step 2: Stop the “Self-Hate Spiral”

Here’s the thing: guilt is useful, but shame is toxic. Guilt says, “I made a mistake.” Shame screams, “I AM a mistake.” If you’re spiraling into self-loathing, snap out of it.

Why? Because shame keeps you stuck. It tricks you into thinking you’re beyond redemption, which is total BS. You’re human. You’re allowed to screw up. What matters is what you do next.

Try this instead: every time your brain starts replaying the highlight reel of your worst moments, counter it with one constructive thought.

For example:

• Instead of: “I’m such a terrible person.”
• Say: “I made a mistake, but I’m taking responsibility for it now.”

You’re not excusing yourself. You’re reprogramming your brain to focus on change, not punishment.

Step 3: Apologize… the Right Way

A half-assed “Sorry” isn’t going to cut it. If you want to heal – and if there’s any chance your ex might forgive you down the line – your apology needs to be genuine.

Here’s a foolproof formula:

1. Acknowledge their pain: “I know I hurt you when I [specific action].”
2. Take full responsibility: “I take full responsibility for my actions, and I’m deeply sorry.”
3. Express regret: “If I could take it back, I would. I’m truly sorry for the pain I caused.”
4. Commit to change: “I’m working on myself so I never repeat these mistakes.”

Pro tip: Don’t expect forgiveness right away. Your ex doesn’t owe you closure, and their healing process isn’t about you. Apologize because it’s the right thing to do – not because you’re hoping to win them back.

Step 4: Get Comfortable Being Alone

You need to sit with your loneliness. Don’t rush to fill the void with rebound flings, late-night texts to your ex, or endless hours of scrolling through social media. Healing happens in the quiet moments when you’re forced to face yourself.

Practical tips to survive the solitude:

Journal like your life depends on it: Write about your feelings every day. Not only does it help you process emotions, but it also keeps you from texting things you’ll regret.

Create a routine: Structure your days so you don’t fall into a pit of Netflix binges and junk food. Go for morning walks, pick up a hobby, or dive into work.

Limit social media: Stop stalking your ex. Unfollow them if you have to. Obsessing over what they’re doing will only make things worse.

Step 5: Understand Your Patterns

Breakups are rarely caused by one isolated event. More often than not, they’re the result of deeper patterns – some of which might have been lurking under the surface for years.

Ask yourself:

• Do I tend to self-sabotage when things get serious?
• Do I struggle with communication or emotional vulnerability?
• Am I repeating toxic behaviors I’ve seen in past relationships?

Self-awareness is a superpower. Therapy can help you identify and unpack these patterns, but if that’s not an option, there are plenty of books, podcasts, and online resources to get you started.

Step 6: Work on Becoming Someone You’re Proud Of

This is where the real transformation happens. Healing from a breakup isn’t just about licking your wounds; it’s about using the pain as fuel to become a better version of yourself.

Ideas to level up:

Build emotional intelligence: Read up on attachment styles, boundaries, and healthy communication. Relationships don’t come with a manual, but the information is out there if you’re willing to look.

Hit the gym: Not to win your ex back, but because moving your body releases endorphins and helps you feel stronger, both physically and emotionally.

Learn a new skill: Always wanted to play guitar or speak Spanish? Now’s the time.

Volunteer: Helping others can shift your focus and remind you that the world is bigger than your heartbreak.

Step 7: Forgive Yourself

This one’s a tough pill to swallow. If you want to heal from a breakup that was your fault, self-forgiveness is essential. It often seems impossible, but holding onto guilt doesn’t fix anything. It just keeps you stuck in the past.

Start small. Every day, remind yourself:

• “I’m a work in progress.”
• “I’m allowed to make mistakes.”
• “I’m actively working to be better.”

Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It means letting go of the idea that you’re irredeemable.

If you need daily support to work through your breakuo, check out our breakup journal!