Whether the relationship lasted a few months or years, the pain of losing someone you once held dear is real. Obsessing over an ex is a form of emotional torture, but guess what? You’re the one holding the whip. It’s hard, but you can break free.

In this post, we’ll talk about why you keep obsessing over your ex, what it says about you, and—most importantly—how to stop it once and for all. If you’re ready to put the past behind you and start showing up for you, keep reading.

Why Do We Obsess Over Our Ex?

There’s a psychological reason why you’re stuck thinking about your ex. Understanding this is key to moving forward.

The Brain’s Response to Loss

Obsessing over an ex is your brain’s way of responding to loss. When we’re in a relationship, our brain releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin—the “feel-good” chemicals that keep us bonded. This creates a sense of comfort and security. When the relationship ends, those chemicals drop, leaving us craving the emotional high we used to get from being with that person​.

You might compare it to withdrawal. Your brain was addicted to the emotional rewards your ex provided, and now that they’re gone, you’re left scrambling to find the next fix.

The Role of Attachment Styles

Attachment theory also plays a massive role here. People with anxious attachment styles are far more likely to obsess after a breakup. Why? Because anxious individuals rely on relationships for validation and self-worth. Without their partner, they feel lost, which drives their fixation on what was lost​.

On the flip side, avoidant individuals may appear detached after a breakup but can still obsess in a different way—by emotionally distancing themselves and replaying the breakup in their heads to reinforce why they didn’t need that person in the first place.

The Need for Closure

Many people cling to the idea of closure. We obsess because we feel like the story hasn’t ended properly. Maybe you didn’t get the apology you deserved, or the breakup left more questions than answers. However, chasing closure from someone else is like chasing a mirage. You’ll never reach it.

The Emotional Cost of Obsession

Before we get into the “how-to” of stopping the obsession, let’s talk about the emotional toll it’s taking on you. Obsessing over your ex isn’t just painful—it’s destructive. Here’s what happens when you let your mind wander back to them, day after day.

Loss of Self-Esteem

Each time you replay the relationship or imagine what could’ve been, you’re reinforcing a narrative that you weren’t enough. You tell yourself things like, “If I had just done this differently, maybe we’d still be together.” This constant self-blame erodes your confidence and self-worth

Living in the Past

Obsessing over your ex keeps you trapped in the past. Instead of focusing on your growth, goals, or future relationships, you’re stuck in a cycle of regret and “what ifs.” You become so consumed by the loss that you lose sight of the opportunities in front of you.

Emotional Drain

Let’s be real: Obsession is exhausting. Constantly thinking about your ex drains your emotional energy, making it hard to focus on anything else. You can’t be present in the moment because your mind is always somewhere else—usually in the past, rehashing old memories that no longer serve you​

Breaking the Cycle – How to Stop Obsessing

Now that we understand why we obsess and how it affects us, let’s talk solutions. Below are actionable steps you can take to stop obsessing over your ex and start moving forward.

Step 1: Block, Delete, Remove

Cut off all contact. I mean it. Block them on social media, delete their number, and remove reminders of them from your space. This isn’t about being petty—it’s about protecting your emotional well-being.

Social media stalking is a surefire way to keep yourself stuck in the past. Every time you check their Instagram or Facebook, you’re reopening the wound. They don’t need to be part of your day-to-day anymore

Step 2: Focus on Yourself

The truth is, obsession comes from a place of emptiness. When your ex left, they created a void, and you’re now trying to fill it. The healthiest way to do this is by focusing on yourself. Reconnect with the things that bring you joy—whether that’s hitting the gym, learning a new skill, or spending time with friends.

Rediscover who you are without them. Remember, they were a part of your life, but they’re not your life.

Step 3: Stop Chasing Closure

Let’s get something straight: Closure is a myth. It’s an illusion we cling to because we think it will help us make sense of things. But closure doesn’t come from some magical conversation with your ex where they explain everything and you ride off into the sunset, emotionally healed.

Closure comes from within. It’s the decision to move on without having all the answers. You don’t need an explanation from them to let go. You owe it to yourself to find peace on your own terms​.

Step 4: Change Your Mental Habits

One of the most effective ways to break the obsession is to rewire your thinking patterns. This won’t happen overnight, but it’s crucial. Every time you catch yourself thinking about your ex, stop and shift your focus. You’re training your brain to let go.

Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or journaling, can help you become more aware of your thoughts and redirect them when needed. By being intentional with your thoughts, you can slowly break the obsession loop

Step 5: Surround Yourself with Support

You don’t have to go through this alone. Surround yourself with people who uplift you—friends, family, or even a therapist. Talking through your feelings with someone else can provide perspective and help you process the breakup in a healthy way.

Plus, having a strong support system can remind you of your worth, especially on days when you feel particularly low.

The Importance of Time and Action

There’s a popular saying: Time heals all wounds. It’s half true. Time alone won’t heal anything if you’re sitting around obsessing and not doing the work to move on. Healing is an active process. You have to choose to heal. It’s waking up every day and deciding not to let your ex control your thoughts.

Personal Growth Through Heartache

If you use this time wisely, breakups can be the most transformative periods of your life. Instead of focusing on what you lost, shift your attention to what you’re gaining—clarity, independence, and a stronger sense of self.

Some of the strongest people are born from the ashes of heartache. So, don’t just wait for time to pass. Take action. Work on yourself. In time, you’ll realize that losing your ex was actually the best thing that ever happened to you.

Ready to take some action? The breakup workbook is the easiest step to start your transformation today!