If you’ve asked yourself this question more than once, you’re not alone. So many people find themselves stuck in the cycle of pursuing emotionally unavailable partners—people who seem distant, aloof, and unable to give you the love and connection you crave. But why does this keep happening? Is it just bad luck? Are you destined to always chase people who can’t love you back? Spoiler alert: it’s not just them—it’s also you.

In this post, we’ll dive deep into why emotionally unavailable partners keep coming into your life, how your own patterns contribute, and most importantly—what you can do to change it. If you’re tired of feeling like you’re constantly fighting for love, keep reading.

The Emotional Unavailability Trap

First, let’s define emotional unavailability. It can show up in different ways, but essentially, these are people who aren’t fully open to intimacy and emotional connection. They might avoid deep conversations, seem distant, or say they’re not looking for anything serious. And yet, they’re irresistible, right?

Here’s why: Emotionally unavailable people trigger a psychological chase. When someone’s hard to pin down, we often confuse that with depth or mystery. The chase becomes intoxicating, making you feel like the more you invest, the more they’ll eventually give back. Except… they don’t. You end up feeling drained, frustrated, and often questioning your self-worth.

Your brain releases dopamine (the feel-good chemical) when you almost get what you want, not when you actually have it. This is why chasing an emotionally unavailable person feels addictive. Your brain keeps you hooked because it’s constantly expecting a reward that never comes​.

The Role of Attachment Styles

Why are some people drawn to emotionally unavailable partners more than others? A big factor is your attachment style. Developed in childhood, your attachment style affects how you relate to others in relationships. Here’s a quick breakdown:

• Anxious Attachment: People with this style crave closeness but often end up feeling insecure or unsure if they’re loved. They tend to pursue emotionally unavailable partners, believing they can “fix” them or “win” their love.
• Avoidant Attachment: These people are emotionally distant themselves. They tend to avoid intimacy and push away partners when things get too close.
• Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They usually attract emotionally available partners.

Studies show that people with an anxious attachment style are significantly more likely to end up in relationships with avoidant or emotionally unavailable partners​. This creates a frustrating cycle, where one person chases while the other pulls away, leaving both unfulfilled.

How Your Own Emotional Availability Plays a Role

Now, let’s flip the mirror. If you’re consistently finding yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable people, there’s a chance that you may also be emotionally unavailable in some way. Wait, what? I know, it sounds counterintuitive, but stay with me.

Here’s how it works: People often choose partners who reflect their own emotional state. If you have unresolved issues around trust, vulnerability, or fear of intimacy, you might subconsciously choose someone who can’t (or won’t) go deep emotionally. Why? Because it’s “safer.” As much as you think you want deep love, you might be avoiding it out of fear of being hurt.

Self-Check: Are you truly open to emotional intimacy, or do you hold back too? If you’re afraid of rejection, abandonment, or being vulnerable, you might unknowingly seek out partners who don’t challenge those fears, because they’re just as distant.

Breaking the Cycle

So, how do you stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners? It’s a combination of recognizing your own patterns, setting boundaries, and raising your standards. Here’s a step-by-step breakdown:

1. Know the Red Flags Early

Start spotting emotional unavailability early in relationships. Is the person avoiding personal conversations? Do they keep things surface-level, or do they show signs that they’re afraid of commitment? Take note of these signs from the beginning instead of diving headfirst into the potential.

2. Work on Your Self-Esteem

People with higher self-esteem attract emotionally available partners. If you don’t believe deep down that you deserve a healthy, loving relationship, you’ll keep picking people who can’t give it to you. Start focusing on building your own self-worth. Work on accepting yourself fully, flaws and all.

Research shows that people with higher self-esteem report healthier, longer-lasting relationships because they feel secure in themselves and are more likely to choose partners who are equally secure​.

3. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Make a list of your relationship non-negotiables and stick to them. If someone isn’t giving you what you need, walk away sooner rather than later. This doesn’t mean being harsh or overly critical—it just means protecting your emotional well-being.

4. Heal Old Wounds

If you’ve been hurt in the past, it’s crucial to work through those wounds so they don’t affect your future relationships. Whether through therapy, journaling, or self-reflection, healing is necessary to prevent you from repeating old patterns.

Real-Life Examples

Let’s look at some real-life examples of how emotional unavailability shows up in relationships and how people overcame it.

Example 1: The “Maybe They’ll Change” Trap

Sarah was in a 2-year relationship with a guy who constantly said he wasn’t “ready for a relationship,” yet stuck around enough to keep her hooked. She kept hoping he’d change, investing more and more of her energy. It wasn’t until she realized she was chasing a fantasy that she walked away—and found someone ready for commitment.

Example 2: The “I Don’t Deserve Better” Cycle

Jake had low self-esteem after a series of bad breakups. He felt like every relationship he was in ended with him being hurt, so he subconsciously chose people who were emotionally unavailable. After working on his self-worth and realizing he did deserve love, he began choosing partners who treated him with respect.

You Deserve More

You deserve someone who is fully in—someone who wants to grow with you, share their feelings, and build a future. If you’re tired of chasing emotionally unavailable people, it’s time to change the script. The key is to start with yourself. When you work on your own emotional availability, self-esteem, and boundaries, the people you attract will start to change too.

Remember, you are worthy of a love that’s open, honest, and real. So, are you ready to stop settling for emotional crumbs and start attracting the kind of love you deserve?

Ready to take action?

Here’s your challenge: Write down three signs of emotional unavailability and the next time you meet someone new, pay attention. If they check even one box, take a step back and reassess. You owe it to yourself to find someone who’s fully available, both emotionally and mentally.

We have also provided you the tools to work through your relationship one day at the time, go check it out: